Thursday, October 26, 2006

So, You Think I'm A Dastardly Bastard, Do You?

Farting on Satan's Daughter, which episode I described to a professional associate today in order to give her succour as she mourned her constant irritation at our be-horned friend, elicited the response that I am a villain of considerable evil and malice.

This I deny. I offer one of what I think is described as a 'meme' (if not, someone will put me straight) with my top three villains, and also an illustration of some of those who made the shortlist but didn't quite get onto the podium. First, a word on the selection process; it was mostly done on the M25 at around 6.30pm, as the traffic was its traditional shit, and whilst I briefly considered real, actual and historical figures, I decided not as you don't want to look at pictures of charmers such as Mao and Hitler, and less still at that gurning cunt Blair.

So, my loves, to start with some of the oh so nearly losers;

The most persistent of Bond's nemesises (can I get away with that?), Ernst Stavro Blofeld, most attractively portrayed by the ever-sinister Donald Pleasance

Animation's dirtiest dawg, and that's a medium with some serious competition, it's that perennial pursuivant, the Wile E. Coyote.

Smooth, sophisticated, lecherous agri-business land-fucker extraordinaire, from 'The Archers' it's the fantastic Charles Collingwood as 'Brian Aldridge'.

But now, into the Top Three;

At Three, laird of all he surveys, urbane polar-neck wearing despoiler of maidens, pagan pontiff and human sacrifice enthusiast, Christopher Lee in his favourite role in 'The Wicker Man' as 'Lord Summerisle'.

At Two, cyborg psychic, fighter ace, neo-feudal Empire builder and something-Dan martial arts master, Dave 'Green Cross Code man' Prowse/James Earl Jones as 'Darth Vader'.

But Krusty's Number One fictional baddie is child-killing, cripple-beating rapist, sadist, hired gun and cigar-chomping murder-for-pleasure merchant, from the greatest western and possibly finest film ever made, Henry Fonda from 'Once Upon A Time In The West' as 'Frank'. This is in a different league, his sole motive is to watch other people suffer. The ultimate villain.

And as I don't consider myself fit to be seen in that company of wolves, I reckon I'm really quite a nice guy.

Unless you're Satan's baby...


Geoff said...

Damn. Just looked up Dave Prowse and it turns out he wasn't born in Cornwall but Bristol. And there was I thinking we might be related.

It's been such a long time since I saw Once Upon a Time that I can't remember anything about it (apart from the music). That doesn't mean it's not the best western ever made, just means I've got a shit memory. The DVD's at home somewhere.

I remember Once Upon a Time in America better and would say that that's a better film than any of the Godfather ones.

Sorry I'm talking rubbish and not even sticking to the subject. Wile E. Coyote was more of a hero than a villain to me.

krusty the baker said...

Got a shit memory? Talking rubbish? I'm thinking we might be related.

Wendy said...

My favorite Hollywood baddie is Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber in "Die Hard." Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.

Tennessee Jed said...

I always felt sorry for Wile E. Coyote he was just dumb with his money by spending it all at the ACME company buying tools to capture a road runner. He could have mail ordered a side of beef and had a better meal than some nasty ground bird anyway.

krusty the baker said...

Jed, I never thought of that. Actually, why mail order, when you could just go down the local market? You'd only have to pay for somewhere to hang it, and if you've as much space as he appears to have, you could hang it where the hell you want.

First Nations said...

fave baddest baddie?
Dr. Chenard from 'Hellraiser II'
omg. so evil.
holding the #2 spot would have to be Lee Van Cleef as 'Angel Eyes' from Fistfull of Dollars. or one of those spaghetti things.

krusty the baker said...

FN; Yeah, I don't really do horror/slasher flicks, but I do like the Hellraiser movies, just a wee bit different. LvC was Colonel Mortimer in 'For A Few Dollars More', a man with a saddle full of accessories for his guns. Angel Eyes was 'The Good, The Bad And The Ugly'. You're right, he's a proper bastard, and he nearly made this list, but it has to be said it was merely Leone getting it right for his masterpiece. And Frank is just beyond compare.