Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Government - The Krusty Way

Oh, so many things to say this evening! I was going to open up with a salvo at Fungus the Bogeyman's whingeing yesterday that the media are using deliberately emotive language to describe his and Bliar's efforts to erode democracy, justice, freedom and the legislative process. No, Bogey, we don't like the fact that you want to lock people up without trial or access to counsel, and we don't like you trying to bypass Parliament. We don't like you banning protest, and arresting people who express a contrary point of view using anti-terrorism laws. That's why you attract comparisons with dictators and fascists. Fungus doesn't like people criticising him for locking people up for criticising him...ad infinitum.

But poor old Fungy has got bigger problems to worry about this evening. Despite all his and Tony's new laws to 'protect society' and be 'tough on crime', he's, er, lost some very serious criminals. But he hasn't lost his job, and doesn't see why he should. Let me spell it out. Charles, you are, as you say, fully responsible for the prison and probation services, and for the immigration service, too. So when it all goes wrong, you and your minions have failed in that responsibility. So, it's time to go. It's no good you saying is 'systemic failure', after 9 years in Government any systems are down to you lot. And it's a bit rich for that pillock Blunkett to pass comment, because he is someone who must take a lot of responsibility for it all. If he's got any sense he'd keep a low profile, but you can't keep a bad man down.

On the subject of Ministers, let me explain Minister for Special Duties. I have long said that, when I become President, I intend to have a large number of people who I dislike hanged. From lamp-posts. With piano wire. People like Cliff Richard, Branson, Miranda Sawyer, Melanie Phillips, Richard Littlejohn, Gary Bushell, Alex Ferguson, James Dyson...I know this is not the liberal gentle Krusty we all know and love, but it will all be done very quickly, and things will settle down soon enough, and you will all thank me in the end. Because I also intend to be quite nepotistic, a member of my family has long had her eyes on the position of Minister of Lamp-posts, as there is likely to be high demand. I was discussing this in the garden of an Oxfordshire pub last July with two close associates, when one of them suggested that this was too good for some people; there would be a need for a Minister For Special Duties. I asked if he was putting himself forward, and if so, what did he have in mind and for whom. I will spare you the details of his methods (cue more Vincent Price/Christopher Lee-style demonic laughter), but his proposed 'patients' included anyone who appeared on reality tv and Geoff Hoon. As I don't like reality tv, and I have long held that the pompous Hoon should be in gaol for either criminal negligence or criminal incompetence; if he honestly believed that there were chemical weapons in Iraq why did he send people to fight there without suitable equipment, and if he didn't believe there were such weapons there then he is a lying git; then he was right on the page.

Anyway, the position of Minister was filled. The only details to be discussed were his worries about whether he will be allowed to wear his choice of suitable clothes for such an esteemed position - knee length leather jacket, wide brimmed hat and pince-nez. Sort of Herr Flick meets Lavrenti Beria. Of course he can, hell, I'm going to wear a shedload of braid....and sunglasses.

Look, you know, I say to you, I mean, you know...to quote someone we all know and despise, things in the United Krustydom will be a lot nicer. (I once went for an interview where I was asked what my ideal fantasy job would be. I said I'd be "President of the UK, only of it won't be the UK then, will it?" Why won't it be the UK came the question. Needless to say, I didn't get the job.) I mean it. Lots of ice-cream, no kids allowed to drive 'til they're 21, free beer for anyone with the President's License of Approval, loads more cricket, less football, and rock 'n' roll radio.


(wipes the foam from his mouth, and takes a fistful of tranquilisers)

Jeez, guys, I'm sorry about that, so to offer a little light relief, have a look at this. A huge thank you to my friend N for sending me this, he knows the way to my heart. He's decided to vang off and give up his e-fforts, good luck to him. He is concentrating on his stage career; I have no ambition on that front, largely because I would expect someone to punch me fairly swiftly.

I'm amazed at the lack of disgust expressed here; do people just go away, or do they sympathize and agree?

iPol has definitely got the message as this morning we kicked off with some Tijuana Bible, an excellent way to begin. On reflection...

Right, I'm knicky knacky knoo-knooed as my Daddy would say, so I'll go away. Love y'all. xxx


Zen Wizard said...

"1,023 foreign prisoners had been freed without being considered for deportation."

I don't know that much about it, but I would wager that there were at least one or two bad apples in that lot.

Hawkwind sure was adept at getting hot chicks to dance on stage, I will give them that!

I'm sure given the time period, some pharmaceutical persuasion was involved, but still...

krusty the baker said...

Zen, you like the lovely Stacia, do you?

Are you suggesting that HW were involved in the use of chemical stimulants? That is quite an allegation.

Yes, there were some bad apples in that lot. Some very bad. And they've been bad again, which is what is fucking off so many people. Rape and GBH are not endearing things.